Attention Earflings

It’s easy to make fun of Juggalos, so let’s not do that. You can watch the infomercial for the 2011 Gathering of the Juggalos and make your own jokes.

But we at Master Ninja try to be constructive, so we want to help the Juggalos get through this year’s festival. As such, we noticed one glaring problem in the infomercial. At one point, the legitimate voice-over announcer says the following:

“What is it that makes total strangers become your brothers and sisters? Why is it so easy to get laid? Why is it that the respect the attendees have for one another is so immense? That, my friends, is the unexplainable magic.”

Once again, the Juggalo movement turns to magical thinking when scientific explanations exist for all these phenomena. What is the scientific explanation for the so-called “magic” of the Juggalo festivals? It’s simple – alcohol and dehydration.

Woodstock? The Boston Tea Party? The Fall of Rome? None of these events would have been possible without liquor and a complete lack of drinking water. But these events had consequences, like hippies, the Revolutionary War, and the Fall of Rome. So, for the Juggalos out there, before you go into the woods to see M.C. Hammer and the comedy routine of King Kong Bundy (and I’m not even kidding), take some advice.

Juggalos Need to Hydrate

Juggalos need to hydrate!

First, hydrate. Water is essential to the body’s metabolism, and if you’re going to be in the woods for four days watching people in face paint rap about curb-stomping, your body needs water to keep going!

Second, wear protection. I’m not just saying, “Wear a condom.” That’s not going to be enough. You might want to consider riot armor. Sometimes, the old ways are the best ways, so consider wearing a full suit of plate armor. This will protect you if you get too close to the wrestling ring and get sprayed with broken glass and cactus bits (again, not kidding).

Remember, Juggalos – safety first.

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What It Changes: Oprah

Welcome back from the holiday weekend, friends! It was Memorial Day – did you remember what you were supposed to? You probably forgot. Is it okay to forget on Memorial Day if you remember on another day? What if you remember on five other days? What’s the memory calculus here – how many bonus remembrances does Memorial Day grant over your average Monday?

Never mind all of that – last week was an important week in American history, as Oprah’s last show was broadcast. But now that Oprah’s gone, what has changed about America and the world at large? Our thinktank assassins have done the research, and here’s the list of the most important changes that result from the end of Oprah’s reign of terror:

  • Tom Cruise has to find another couch to jump on.
  • Women aged 35-65 have no idea what to read.
  • Dr. Phil – somehow less appealing.
  • You do not get a car. You do not get a car. No one gets a car.
  • Retrospective reels of Oprah’s hair from the late 80′s have made fans question their commitment. Seriously – here’s a clip.
  • A noticeable surge in Wendy Williams “can-do” attitude.
  • Birther movement demands to see Dr. Oz’s birth certificate. Says one detractor, “His first name is Mehmet. That sounds foreign.”
  • Parents can once again name their children “Oprah” without it being weird.

 

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The 1-Day Song Challenge

All your friends on the Facebook are doing the 30-Day Song Challenge… or the 30-Day Photo Challenge… or the 30-Day Impressionist Painting Challenge… and let’s face it, you just don’t have it in you. 30 days? Who can keep up that level of enthusiasm? Not you.

That’s why the Problem Assassins at Master Ninja have come up with a solution – the 1 Day Song Challenge.

The 1 Day Song Challenge is simple. Read the challenge. Post it for one day in a row. Just one consecutive day of posting, and your obligation to the Challenge is fulfilled!

For a greater challenge, follow one of our suggested criteria:

  1. A song that makes you think of your mother.
  2. A song that makes you think of someone else’s mother. Tag that person. Or tag their mother. Or both.
  3. A song that isn’t by Randy Newman.
  4. A song that contains the word “four”.
  5. A song with a little too much swearing for your taste.
  6. A song that ought to be in one of the Fast/Furious movies or a song that definitely shouldn’t be. For bonus points, don’t specify which.
  7. A song that will be removed from YouTube by the time your friend clicks on the link.
  8. A song that is “Together Forever” by Rick Astley. He had at least two hits, you realize.
  9. A song for your funeral, but not one that has some transcendent meaning to you, but rather one that you want played to annoy your bereaved loved ones because, hey, what are they gonna do about it?
  10. A song you would sing along with… even though you know you don’t know all the words. You’d mumble through the parts you don’t know, or try to half-ass guess the words or otherwise pretend you know them, you faker.

Master Ninja – making your life easier one stupid idea at a time!

Posted in The Internet is Stupid | Leave a comment

And We’re Back!

Welcome to Master Ninja: 10th Anniversary Edition! That’s right – the ninja’s back with a brand new invention. Well… it’s not really new, is it? It’s all based on stuff we’ve done before, but this time around we’re doing it in blog form, see? So that’s different… not original, but different.

10 years ago Master  Ninja first came on the scene, and it was a humor web site of acceptable quality. A decade later, we can’t promise to quite live up to that legacy… but it’s still free, so shut up.

Here’s what to expect – jokes, more jokes, sarcasm, bad jokes, stupid jokes, more sarcasm, a potential return to the Q&A of yore, recycled jokes and more bad jokes! You’re ready for it, we’re about as ready as one could expect after several years without updating, and the world was never ready for it in the first place (in so much as the site continues to elude the cultural eminence that it rightfully deserves).

Subscribe today! (Or don’t.)

Posted in Site Updates | 4 Comments