It’s easy to make fun of Juggalos, so let’s not do that. You can watch the infomercial for the 2011 Gathering of the Juggalos and make your own jokes.
But we at Master Ninja try to be constructive, so we want to help the Juggalos get through this year’s festival. As such, we noticed one glaring problem in the infomercial. At one point, the legitimate voice-over announcer says the following:
“What is it that makes total strangers become your brothers and sisters? Why is it so easy to get laid? Why is it that the respect the attendees have for one another is so immense? That, my friends, is the unexplainable magic.”
Once again, the Juggalo movement turns to magical thinking when scientific explanations exist for all these phenomena. What is the scientific explanation for the so-called “magic” of the Juggalo festivals? It’s simple – alcohol and dehydration.
Woodstock? The Boston Tea Party? The Fall of Rome? None of these events would have been possible without liquor and a complete lack of drinking water. But these events had consequences, like hippies, the Revolutionary War, and the Fall of Rome. So, for the Juggalos out there, before you go into the woods to see M.C. Hammer and the comedy routine of King Kong Bundy (and I’m not even kidding), take some advice.
First, hydrate. Water is essential to the body’s metabolism, and if you’re going to be in the woods for four days watching people in face paint rap about curb-stomping, your body needs water to keep going!
Second, wear protection. I’m not just saying, “Wear a condom.” That’s not going to be enough. You might want to consider riot armor. Sometimes, the old ways are the best ways, so consider wearing a full suit of plate armor. This will protect you if you get too close to the wrestling ring and get sprayed with broken glass and cactus bits (again, not kidding).
Remember, Juggalos – safety first.