Confusionisms Part I

This post was originally going to be cool and interactive. It turns out that’s a huge pain in the ass in WordPress. You get what you pay for, I guess. Well, in the meantime, I will try to learn how to more easily circumvent WordPress. For now, enjoy this article in its uncool, non-interactive iteration.

The whole Anthony Weiner debacle has left us with more dick jokes than we could ever need. But these are a foundation of humor, so we should be thankful that we’ll never be without them.

Still, I heard a lot of commentators struggle with euphemisms for what Weiner might have been doing on Facebook with all those ladies. They didn’t go for the classics – polishing his knob, bopping the bishop, flogging the dolphin. Instead, because everyone knows what those phrases mean and thus it might constitute filthy language, they tried to come up with new euphemisms to joke about Anthony Weiner’s supposed cybersex. They failed. The euphemisms were bewildering and often kinda disgusting.

Euphemisms can get very confusing, and that’s what I want to demonstrate today. If you’re going to launch into a metaphor, you need to follow a pretty narrow path, or your listeners will completely miss it. So let’s get on with the demonstration.

Ask yourself – are the following euphemisms obfuscating a reference to masturbation or sex?

1. “Throwing the dog a Frisbee”

2. ”Visiting a paleontological dig site to unearth a prehistoric bone”

3. ”Calling up a catcher from the minor leagues”

4. ”Singing karaoke at Steve Perry’s house”

5. ”Deboning the chicken”

6. ”Giving Little Billy Johnson a spinal screening”

7. “Sailing with Magellan”

8. ”Spamming the inbox”

9. ”Bobbling the handoff to the halfback”

10. ”Taking Peter to confession”

And there was supposed to be a nifty AJAXie way for you to choose which was which, then have those results displayed in some sort of bar graph. Obviously, that didn’t work out… at least not quickly enough for me. Well, WordPress is free, Master Ninja is free, and you can’t really complain, so I don’t care.

About Chuck, the Webmaster

Chuck is the founder and creator of Master Ninja... but that just means he gets yelled at when the dojo needs work.
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