Welcome back from the holiday weekend, friends! It was Memorial Day – did you remember what you were supposed to? You probably forgot. Is it okay to forget on Memorial Day if you remember on another day? What if you remember on five other days? What’s the memory calculus here – how many bonus remembrances does Memorial Day grant over your average Monday?
Never mind all of that – last week was an important week in American history, as Oprah’s last show was broadcast. But now that Oprah’s gone, what has changed about America and the world at large? Our thinktank assassins have done the research, and here’s the list of the most important changes that result from the end of Oprah’s reign of terror:
- Tom Cruise has to find another couch to jump on.
- Women aged 35-65 have no idea what to read.
- Dr. Phil – somehow less appealing.
- You do not get a car. You do not get a car. No one gets a car.
- Retrospective reels of Oprah’s hair from the late 80′s have made fans question their commitment. Seriously – here’s a clip.
- A noticeable surge in Wendy Williams “can-do” attitude.
- Birther movement demands to see Dr. Oz’s birth certificate. Says one detractor, “His first name is Mehmet. That sounds foreign.”
- Parents can once again name their children “Oprah” without it being weird.